Thursday, May 25, 2006

Interlude: New Rules

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: he's mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And, the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," . ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it actually translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule (and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants! After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. Not "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.


At 2:37 PM, Blogger LabSpecimen said...

OMG, I'm gay and I didn't know it!

Okay... okay... breathe....

I'm gay. That's fine. I'm okay with that, really. More than okay. It means people will dislike me for no real reason. I'll start going to church again just to PISS PEOPLE OFF!

One minor, teensy problem, though. I really, really, (really...) like sex with women. How about if I have sex with women, and you can imagine that I'm dreaming about having sex with men. Is that acceptable?

Here's how to deal with the baby age thing.
What other people hear:
Mike: How cute. How old is he?
Mother of the Kid: 27 months.

What Mike actually hears:
Mike: How cute. How old is he?
Mother of the kid: bzzzzzzzzzz
Mike: That's such a cute age.
Mother of the kid: bzzzzzzzzz
Mike: Well, I can't believe you had a baby that recently! You look great!
Mike's brain: . o O (I wonder if there's a pizza place nearby?)
Mother of the kid: bzzzz bzzz bzzzzzzzzzzz
Mike: It's been great seeing you! We should go out for dinner, after the wedding.
Mike's brain: . o O (I wonder what Ted Nugent is up to these days. Can you imagine him in a kilt? That would be one ugly MFer! Not that he'd wear one. Hell, he'd shoot me for just thinking the thought. Oh no! MUST STOP THINKING OF The Nuge in a KILT! Quick! Think of something else! Twinkies! Trans fatty goodness!)

At 7:19 AM, Blogger neophyte said...


At 9:27 AM, Anonymous Bismuth said...

Yeah, why should I have to change? The world's the one that sucks!

(PS, after installing this extension and this one too in Firefox, I have virtually no more ads. Not just pop-ups... all ads, period.)

At 4:55 PM, Blogger Mike Weasel said...

I wonder if Ted Nugent ever thinks of me in a kilt? No wait, I can't think that way! Ack!

At 6:32 PM, Anonymous insomniac said...

i'm 17,878 days myself...
oh, and stay away from the 'pirates of the caribbean' m&m's . they're white chocolate!

At 12:27 PM, Blogger Kafaleni said...

Insom.. eeeewwww - and there's no such thing as white chocolate. Without cocoa mass (at least one teeny drop) it's not chocolate, it's white crap.

Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. Nope.. because the govt will send the money elsewhere, and then we'll still have to make it up when it's our turn.

Lab.. be a gay woman. Problem solved.

At 4:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jamester said:

Fess Up. Are you and the Mad Scientist/Mrs. Weasel to be registered anywhere?

At 7:31 PM, Anonymous NotWeasel said...

Is this blog just dead space now? Is that it for the amusement? Did I miss it?

At 6:57 AM, Blogger Peri said...

I printed these rules and put them up on my fridge.
Hey, they look good with my daughter's art! She's 130 months old.

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