Happy TLAPD!

Honeymoon pics!

Get yer mind outa the gutter. They aren't *those* kind of pictures. Anyway, since my lovely bride posted lots of wedding pics, I'll post some of our journey up the California coast.



We stayed on the Queen Mary until Sunday (the wedding was Friday) so we could spend a bit of time with visiting family, and we partook of the mighty international-style buffet they serve on Sunday mornings. This was in my fortune cookie. It's a bit blurry but it says, "The husband is the boss - if the wife allows." The Queen Mary thinks of everything - even marriage advice!



We drove up to Paso Robles (central CA north of San Luis Obispo, home of the famous Gum Wall) where they had a fine inn with hot spring-fed hot tubs in our room. Here's us being cheesy!

We were considering camping one of those days but it had been pretty hot so we scratched that idea and decided to go into San Francisco for a day. We managed to acquire a room at the last minute and headed north.



Candlestick Park (or whatever the heck they call it these days)



On the way to SF, we stopped at Black Bear Diner in Carmel (or was it Salinas?) and we picked up this little gal to help out with the driving. We named her Honey Moon.



We spent most of our time in SF here... Fisherman's Wharf!



What honeymoon would be complete without seeing bread in the shape of crabs and alligators?



After dinner, we decided to drive over the Golden Gate Bridge. Mad got this pretty cool shot.



When we got to the other side, we saw this guy who we thought might want a ride back into the city, but he just stood there staring like some kind of ... you know, that thing people carve and put in parks? Well, whatever.



San Francisco Art!



Unfortunately I wasn't fast enough with my camera, but the guy circled had the most flagrant mullet we've ever seen, and keep in mind Mad has been to West Virginia.



Gratuitous pirate pic.

So we had lunch at the Sea Lion Cafe, famous because, right nearby, wads of sea lions bask on floating platforms and bark a lot. So I took lots of pictures but I won't bore you with them all. Just a couple:




Ah, but I'm skipping ahead. When we first got to SF, we thought, hey, let's go check out Alcatraz. I mean, it's right there. But upon calling, of course, they were sold out. Apparently you usually want to book a week in advance during the summer. But as I was buying a jacket (I wasn't used to being cold after that heat wave in July) there was a booth offering tickets and they could get us there on the boat tomorrow for only 10 bucks! What's the catch? Well if we were just willing to listen to a sales pitch about vacation timeshares... so we did it. Oh but we were going to have fun. We devised a plan that Mad would be a brilliant scientist whose career was cut short by a terrible car accident and was now horribly brain damaged, so she could act all crazy and blurt out whatever she wanted. We even thought of hooking up a computer and asking the MOAT for ideas, but we chickened out and just acted normal. We stuck it out and got our reward and even the 10 bucks back. Alcatraz was pretty cool; there was an audio tour and everything. So here's some pics of Alcatraz:



Me in the Big House.


Mad waits for lunch in the dining hall.


It's nice to know I can still practice art even if I commit heinous felonious acts. (which WBAGNFARB)


On the way back I got a nice shot of the Bay Bridge in the sunset. It leads to Oakland for you Raider fans.


Naturally, they tried to imprison us both, but fortunately we were wearing our Protective Hoodies of Invulnerability.


A nice shot of the city, including the Transamerica building and that funky tower thingy.

OK, well, that's about enough of San Fran. So we headed down to Monterey, and stayed at a nice B&B called Jabberwock Inn. But I didn't take any pictures of that, so you'll have to be satisfied with lots of pictures of sea life from the Aquarium:


Mmmm...jelly...





We really went native while we were there.


Look! Otters!











Weasel and Giant Furry Otter.

I couldn't resist getting a T-Shirt that had "Hairy Otter" and a spoof of Harry Potter. I didn't get a pic of it though.

Hey... hello? Oh great, everyone fell asleep with all these pictures...

Woo!

Well, today's the big day! I'm not evennervousoranythingnopenotmeimjustfineeverythingwillgooffwithoutahitchyay!

Good news is there seems to be a bit of a break in the heat. Hopefully we all won't melt too badly. There is AC aboard the Queen Mary but it's 70 year old air conditioning...

Pictures later!

Whoa!

I'm gettin hitched tomorrow!

In a moment, I'm headed to the Queen Mary for the rehearsal. Yay!

UPDATE: I've survived the experience. Me, the best man, and his wife were attired in pirate garb, although the wedding will be more normal. Theoretically.

Interlude: New Rules

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: he's mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And, the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," . ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it actually translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule (and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants! After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. Not "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Heinzing!

I'm waiting for Mad to arrive so we can whisk ourselves off to the airport to go to Virginia and get her all graduated. Technically, she's already graduated but this is the fun ceremony part where you get to wear a board on your head. (Who started that anyway?)

OOps, here she is now. Time to go!

Take a quick moment..

I know I'm behind regarding the RBR events last weekend, sorry. I'll have some pics up soon.

In the meantime, go here and take a moment to send a message to children suffering from cancer. It doesn't cost a penny, just a few seconds of your time. Face it, you're just goofing off and reading my blog anyway. Now if your boss comes up and asks what you're doing, you can tell them you're helping suffering children. Like they could fire you for that.